Cease and Desist, Dentists!

I have taken great steps in my life to try to cut down on negativity and be a more positive person. And I generally reserve this blog for helpful (and healthful!) tips and tricks. But there is one thing I have to share with you – I hate the dentist. I usually try to avoid the word hate as it represents such an active production of negative energy, but in this case it’s appropriate. I loathe, I detest, I hate the dentist.

And yesterday after work I had a dentist appointment. Is there anyone out there who actually likes going to the dentist? No offense if you’re a dentist, or dental hygienist, but I bet even you don’t like going to the dentist. I don’t know what this medieval torture chamber is doing in modern day life.

First off, they sit you down and scrape your teeth with that metal pointy stick. As you can see, we’re using the technical terms here. Maybe I’m particularly sensitive, but this process feels like “fingernails on a chalkboard” going on inside my mouth. I find it nearly unbearable. And while I’m sitting there trying to “woosah” myself to a place of internal peace, I can taste my gums as they start bleeding and the hygienist inevitably says “we have a little bleeding going on here – you should floss more regularly.” Bah! I do floss. And brush. And I’ve never had a cavity and every stinking time I go to the dentist I get an excellent bill of health; therefore, the reason my gums are bleeding is (the much more logical answer of) you poking them with that pointy metal stick. Let’s just agree that I’ll stop bleeding when you stop poking me.

Next, they insist on talking to you while they have their hands in your mouth. This is awkward and inconvenient. And I, being an already stellarly awkward person, always find a way to make it worse. What am I supposed to do – nod? That’s weird because then I’m moving around the thing you’re trying to work in. Or if I try to shrug/laugh/mutter something/talk/etc. it’s usually in the way as well. Let’s do us both a favor and skip the small talk.

Finally, the dentist takes pictures of your teeth and then he shows them to you. I’m like “Yep, that’s some nice shots you got there Doc.” Does this step need to be shared with me? Just like the aforementioned small talk, all this step in the process does is prolong my stay. And then you get to come back in six months – why? Because they tell you to! At the end of the appointment they’re like “see you in six months” and I’m like “well, okay.” And I leave the office clutching a tooth-shaped piece of paper listing the date and time of my day of suffering, six months hence. Oh joy.

At the end of this little torture session, they give me a gift bag with a new toothbrush, tiny toothpaste and floss. I do appreciate that I don’t have to buy these things, but I’m not a big fan of leaving the dentist holding this tiny celebratory bag like I just came from forced attendance at a child’s birthday party. My teeth literally ache after visiting the dentist – and I swear nothing tastes right for the next 12 hours. Just a little parting gift for our cherished time together.

Please note that I don’t go to a bad dentist – I actually go to a wonderful dentist that consistently wins awards year after year for being one of the best in the DC area – but it doesn’t matter. They’re all the same. You could be the kindest, funniest person in the world (and I may even like you) – but the minute you start putting your hands in my mouth we just aren’t friends anymore.

Anyone else hate the dentist this much? Or is there another “mandatory” health activity in your life that you just can’t stand?

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3 responses to “Cease and Desist, Dentists!

  1. I absolutely hate going to the dentist. Why do the dental techs need 8 or 9 different scraper thingies that they have to switch back and forth between every 3 seconds? I’ve always thought that noie was unbearable too. I leave every time with a tension headache and fingernail marks embedded in my palms. I have a good dentist too – but would rather say hi to him on the street than drop by his office..

    • I’m glad it’s not just me! I know my dentist/dental tech are both nice people but I just cannot stand being around them in the dentist office. And I always end up with a tension headache too! No fun…

  2. I hated the dentist until about 7 years ago when I changed dentists. The one I go to now never makes me bleed and she makes the visit go quick – it’s unlike any dentist appointment I had growing up. She wasn’t a well known dentist – I was actually one of her first patients when she opened her office. Going to the dentist isn’t so bad for me anymore. So glad I changed dentists!

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